Best Funny Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog

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The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.
-Rush Limbaugh

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
-Bill Hicks

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
-Zig Ziglar

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
-Bill Maher

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
-Mel Brooks

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
-Will Rogers

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
-Oscar Wilde

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
-Charles M. Schulz

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-Janeane Garofalo

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
-Tommy Cooper

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
-Victor Borge

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
-Billy Sunday

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-Albert Einstein

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
-Robert Maynard Hutchins

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-Mark Twain

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen

1. ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” - Unknown

2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Will Rogers

3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

4. ”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown

5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde

7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)

8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” - Unknown

9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” - Albert Einstein

10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” - Unknown

11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” - Bill McGlashen

12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” - Marilyn Monroe

13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire

14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain

15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” - Unknown

16. ”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson

17. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson

18. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein

19. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers

20. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright

Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog

Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog

1. ”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” - Unknown
2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Will Rogers
3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
4. ”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown
5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll
6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde
7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)
8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” - Unknown
9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” - Albert Einstein
10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” - Unknown
11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” - Bill McGlashen
12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” - Marilyn Monroe
13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire
14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain
15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” - Unknown
16. ”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson
17. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson
18. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein
19. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers
20. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright

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